toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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