I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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