you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
