Im at strip club and am horny
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
