If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
