I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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