Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
