dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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