hell yes lets make some ravioli
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
