i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
