I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
