I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
