Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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