people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
