Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
