He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
