I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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