His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
