I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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