are you still at the devil's house?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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