Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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