First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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