you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
