i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made him laugh his dick is mine
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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