Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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