Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You're like the curious george of whores
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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