your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
