I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
