I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
