If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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