I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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