took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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