just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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