i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
