hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
