even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Floor bacon is actually really good
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize