im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
