I think I died a long time ago.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
50% drunk capacity currently
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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