If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
