I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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