yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
P.S. I can't hear my feet
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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