I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Dicks are not precious.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
