God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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