You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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