So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm really busy with my period
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