maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
