chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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