I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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