This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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