Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
