I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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