Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
