Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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