ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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