she woke up with a sticky ear
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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