I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
