dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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