My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
