Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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