I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize