I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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