It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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