i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
