The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
